LOVE IS A MIX TAPE

The mix tape is just another piece of useless junk that "he" left behind. A category that I guess includes me. I should have gone to sleep hours ago, but instead I'm rummaging through old boxes that he left behind..I found this tape with his scribble on the label..SPINABIFFIDA.

I pop it into my boombox on the kitchen counter, pour some coffee, and let the music have it's way with me. It's a date, just me and "him" and some tunes he picked out. We met when I was twenty-one years old. We drank some bourbon and talked about music. We traded stories about bands we liked, and bands we'd seen live. He loved white zombie..so did I. I loved the pixies..he hated the pixies..I told him that night I would make him a mix tape..and he would change his mind on the pixies..and it worked.

Falling in love with " him" is not something you walk away from in one piece. I had no chance. He would wake up in the middle of the night and say things like why don't they have commercials for salt like they do milk? Then he would fall back asleep, and I would lie awake and give thanks for this alien creature beside whom I rested.

We had nothing in common really, except we both loved music. Music brought us together. The whole world got cheated out of "him", I got cheated the least, but still I wanted more of him. I wanted to be his girl, forever and ever. I always pictured us growing old together.

For a while there, I thought "he" was my hero, have you ever had a hero? Someone who says, I think it would be a good idea for you to steal a car and set it on fire then drive it off a cliff, and you say, automatic or standard? It didn't take long for us to get tangled up in each other's hair.

Boys take up a lot of room in your life. I had a lot of room for this one. He had more energy than anybody I'd ever met. He was in love with the world. He was warm and loud and impulsive. One day, he announced he had found the guitar of his dreams at a local junk shop. I said, "you don't even play guitar." He said, " This is the guitar that's gonna teach me."

When I was with him, I thought there was no other place I'd rather be. I could count the places I would not want to be. I've always wanted to see Italy, but I'd rather be here with him. There was no other place I'd rather be than with "him" sipping coffee and watching the leaves fall, listening to that song...

I thought to myself, if he breaks my heart, no matter what the hell he puts me through. I can say it was worth it. Just because of the way he makes me feel at that very moment..nothing better. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us someone else.....